


Mistake

by orphan_account



Series: I Want To Be Enough [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Changkyun just wants to be loved, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Chae Hyungwon/Shin Hoseok | Wonho, jookyun - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 14:05:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11853147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Changkyun made a big mistake, and all he wants is for Jooheon to forget it.





	Mistake

"I like being cute better."

The words rang in Changkyun's ears after they were spoken. Jooheon was all smiley when he confessed it during their episode of After School Club. In anyone else's eyes, Jooheon's confession was just adorable, but to Changkyun, it sparked something.

Changkyun rested his head against the van window, staring outside into the darkness. Life had become schedule after schedule. When was the last time he had a chance to sit around and talk to Jooheon? He spent many nights happily singing with Minhyuk instead of being next to Changkyun. He had been completely avoiding the youngest. Changkyun didn't enjoy taking comfort in Hyungwon, but he preferred being quiet and it was what Hyungwon did best.

Changkyun closed his eyes and sighed contently when he felt a hand on his knee. It was rare when Hyungwon offered comfort to the members other than Hoseok, but he seemed to have an instinct when Changkyun was upset.

He let his body slump against Hyungwon's sided and found comfort when Hyungwon wrapped an arm around him. Hyungwon preferred to sleep on the way home, so Changkyun was a bit suprised.

He listened the the sounds of Kihyun scolding Hyunwoo and Jooheon and Minhyuk arguing over who loved Hoseok more. If Jooheon hadn't been avoiding Changkyun for the past few days, Changkyun would've been happy to step in. Everything was different and Changkyun was tired.

"You're too cute, Jooheonie!" Hoseok cooed.

"Hoseok! Don't say it too loudly or Hyungwon will get jealous!" Minhyuk reached back from the middle seats and slapped his leg.

Changkyun opened his eyes to see Hoseok on the other side of Hyungwon smiling softly and kissing his temples.

The car finally stopped and Changkyun found himself the first getting out. He ran into the door and locked himself in his shared room. It was his safe place, and he needed something safe.

He found himself crawling into Jooheon's bed and pulling the blankets around him tightly. He remembered the nights Jooheon would cuddle up next to Changkyun in his bed. Things have changed. Changkyun wondered if they would ever go back to normal.

Everything smelled like Jooheon, and to Changkyun, it felt at home. He almost wanted to laugh because there he was curled up in Jooheon's blankets, but he was always the dominant one in their relationship. But the blankets smelled like Jooheon, and Changkyun really did miss him.

A soft knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. "Kyunnie?"

Minhyuk. He was using his concerned voice. He wasn't happy and bubbly. He wondered if even oblivious Minhyuk knew something was wrong, did everyone else know?

"Yeah? I'm just taking a nap, I'm tired."

"Kyunnie, is it about Joohoney?" Minhyuk stepped into the room and sat on the bottom bunk next to Changkyun. He reached over and petted his head.

Changkyun turned his back to Minhyuk and smiled a bit at the nicknames. "I'm fine."

"He isn't happy either. He looks sad. I always cheer him up though! What happened between you two?" Minhyuk crawled underneath the blankets next to Changkyun. "And why are we in Joohoney's bed?"

Changkyun tensed up and sighed. He didn't want to talk to Minhyuk. He would rather speak to Hyungwon because he didn't really care for drama, so he wouldn't listen. Minhyuk on the other hand would try to help. Changkyun preferred working out his problems on his own.

"Minhyuk, go away," he growled.

"Whenever Hyunwoo and Kihyun fight, I always make them sit down and talk it out. Even if they hate me for it, it always ends up good in the end. Maybe that's what you and Joohoney need."

"I said go away!" Changkyun forcefully shoved Minhyuk out of the bed, turning away so he didn't have to look at the pained expression of the other.

He laid back down and pulled the blanket tightly around him. He waited until he heard Minhyuk shut the door and walk away before he allowed himself to cry.

Changkyun could barely remember the last time he actually cried. His mom told him tears fixed nothing, but sometimes it felt better to let it out. He cried last on No Mercy when the others didn't really accept him. He cried so hard that night. The way the others shut him out hurt so much.

Two years later, here he was crying because Jooheon shut him out again. Everything changed in two years. Changkyun thought it was okay to make a move, but clearly it wasn't. He couldn't believe he kissed his best friend.

It felt right at the time. He thought Jooheon was long asleep. He was breathing softly with his lips slightly parted and his eyes closed. He was perfect and beautiful. Changkyun leaned in and kissed him. It was perfect until Jooheon shoved Changkyun so hard out of bed that he had a bruise on him for a week.

Three weeks later, here he was curled up in his bed, wanting nothing but to hold Jooheon. He couldn't stop crying. Everything felt so lonely and cruel.

Changkyun wasn't sure when he fell asleep, but he was woken up by a voice.

"Changkyun, why are you in my bed?" The voice was so cold, unlike what Changkyun was used to. It felt empty, full of disgust.

Being gay was a sin. It was looked down upon in their society. It was digusting. It made Changkyun feel that much worse. Anytime Jooheon glanced at him, he made a face of disgust. Changkyun couldn't blame him. He believed he was disgusting too.

Changkyun decided to pretend to be asleep, keeping his eyes closed tight and tried to even his breaths.

"Kihyunnie, Changkyun won't get out of my bed," he complained cutely to the mother figure.

Kihyun climbed in his own bed across the room. "Then just sleep with him. I'm tired, Jooheon." 

"But it's my bed," Jooheon whined.

"Then sleep in Changkyun's bed. You two used to sleep together all the time, I don't see the big deal. He's been really distant lately. Maybe it'll do you two some good."

Jooheon pouted. "But-"

Kihyun glared. "Do I need to bring Hyunwoo in here?"

Jooheon frowned at the floor. "No."

"Then, go sleep with Changkyun or wake him up."

Jooheon reached over to lightly shake Changkyun. "Look, I know you're tired, but I want to sleep in my bed. Either get out or I'll push you out."

Changkyun got out of his bed without a word and climbed up to the top bunk. He laid down and bit down on his hand hard to avoid sobbing too loudly.

It took him a while, but he finally fell asleep. 

Jooheon silently stayed awake until the sobs died down.

-  
Jooheon yawned cutely and rested his head against Minhyuk's shoulder. He wore a white t-shirt that fell down on his left shoulder to reveal more skin than Changkyun needed to see. Like usual, he didn't wear pants, preferring to wear just boxers.

Jooheon curled up closer to Minhyuk on the couch with Minhyuk cooing softly. Jooheon really was too cute for his own good. So much that some days it physically hurt Changkyun.

Hyungwon groaned and flopped onto both Minhyuk and Jooheon's lap, his head in Minhyuk's lap.

"Go find your boyfriend," Minhyuk complained.

"He's at the gym with Hyunwoo," Hyungwon mumbled. He sat up in Minhyuk's lap and rested his head against Minhyuk's neck. He curled his legs up on top of a sleepy Jooheon.

"Changkyun," Kihyun spoke from the kitchen. "Come here and help me."

Changkyun dragged himself in the kitchen, sleepy eyes staring at Kihyun. "What do you want?"

"Hey, be nice." Kihyun hit his hand with a spatula. "I wanted to ask if you're okay."

Changkyun sat down in a chair at the table. "I'm great. Never been better."

"Have you been taking your medicine?"

The old question everyone seemed to ask. If something was slightly wrong, the asked if he had taken his medicine. It was annoying. Just because he had depression didn't mean he wasn't allowed to feel sad. It didn't define him as a person, but everyone always jumped to conclusions.

"Yes, Kihyun, I did."

Kihyun continued to make breakfast. "Do you need to go back to your therapist?"

"I'm fine!" Changkyun shouted.

Hyunwoo walked into the kitchen. "Changkyun, what's going on?"

"I thought you were at the gym?" Changkyun whispered.

"I just got back to you yelling at Kihyun. I also heard you pushed Minhyuk so hard he has a bruise on his back." Hyunwoo placed a hand on Changkyun's shoulder. "We can't be a team if we have tensions and people fighting. Changkyun, what's going on?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Just leave me alone."

Changkyun stormed off into his shared bedroom and climbed in his bed. He felt disgusting. Everyone was mad at him, and everyone would hate him if Jooheon told them what happened.

Changkyun had never felt worse. His entire world was crashing around him. He hurt Minhyuk, yelled at Kihyun, and made an advance on Jooheon. He didn't mean this to happen. He used to be so close to Jooheon. They did everything together. He only hoped Jooheon had the same feelings for him.

He yelled loudly into his pillow, most of it being muffled. He had hit a new low and it felt terrible. No, it felt awful.

"Changkyun," there was a soft knock on the door.

The voice was so familar and sweet. It sounded oddly weak and soft. He wanted to cry. Jooheon had never babied him before. Jooheon was used to wanting to be babied and told he was cute. He normally acted small around the members, but suddenly there he was, trying to talk to Changkyun to make him feel better.

"Changkyunnie," Jooheon opened the door and walked next to the bed.

When they originally were introduced into the dorm, Changkyun had insisted on getting a top bunk. He wasn't close to any of the members and he wanted to be alone.

Jooheon climbed up the ladder and shoved Changkyun's curled up body over. He pulled the blankets out of the younger's grip and put them over himself too.

"Kyunnie."

Changkyun stared into soft, small eyes. "What?"

Jooheon nudged his arm, an action that was so familiar to the pair. Changkyun made no effort to move. He wanted to die from embarrassment. He did something stupid, he didn't deserve comfort.

Jooheon whined and forced himself against Changkyun's body, his head using Changkyun's arm as a pillow and forcing the other around his waist.

"Can we talk?" Jooheon mumbled, absent-mindlessly tracing cirlces with his finger against Changkyun's chest.

Changkyun closed his eyes. "Let's just pretend nothing happened."

"Kyunnie, I don't want to pretend. I'm tired of pretending. We do it all day when we have schedules, but I just want to be me."

Changkyun felt lips pressed up against his own. It was soft and slow, moving in sync.

He almost whined when Jooheon pulled away, but he stopped himself.

"Jooheon, you don't have to pretend."

Jooheon closed his eyes and shoved his leg in between Changkyun's in an attempt to be closer. "I'm not pretending."

Changkyun let the conversation die after that. He was content with holding Jooheon until his breaths evened out. He didn't dare fall asleep until he knew Jooheon was completely asleep.

Jooheon really was too cute.

And maybe he was Changkyun's.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Jookyun  
> I'm planning for 4 parts in this series


End file.
